3.

we’ve become accustomed to our silence
that painful silence that says more than i want to believe
that itchy silence that doesn’t go away until we scratch

we lay here like a pair of parentheses with nothing between us but question marks
and endless elipses between our lips
we keep wanting to write the same thing, but it never comes out as planned
we never come out as planned

so we turn away
an even bigger silence than the one we left
an even bigger question that neither of us will answer

2.

i wrote two separate pieces at different times during the day.

—

she shuffled between the seats
bags slung on her shoulders and the crooks of her elbows
stop requested: pico & 21st
her furrowed brows and brown skin were a reflection of my own
walang hiya
she braves the world
one step at a time

—

she lifts her head to face the day.
though it may be heavy with her thoughts, her stride is balanced and her eyes are focused.
she grips her pen with ease and conviction to speak the language of her heart.
and her dreams speak themselves into existence.
her voice is pregnant with revelation.
truth born.
she fills my world with tomorrow’s breath.

1.

i should start apologizing to my heart
for all the times i put it through you
for all the times you’ve come back into it
and each time is deeper than the last
like a knife masked with a kiss
piercing me into bliss

i catch myself tracing your steps in my memories
the searing scars from your lips on my neck
the scent pressed onto my collar
the smile you leave on my face

each night i try to take them off
all these layers you’ve left on my body
left on my mind
left on my heart
i pull at my skin to get to my own
and i want you even more
and i hate you for that

in the end, you’re everything i allowed you to be
and i’m nothing i’d ever expect of me

stars.

in the midst of the starry nights, i’ve dreamt of our constellations aligning
my stubborn goat raging its capricorn ways across the skies
helplessly and hopelessly trying to run into your sign so that maybe we could create some fireworks
but the mist in my eyes or the sun in my face made me realize
that maybe it’s not written in the sky, that our love is not predetermined
by astronomy or chemistry or even fate
because you, my friend, are the real serpent barer
confining the snake within yourself, only letting it out to lash at me
to lash at any sign of weakness
to devour my heart that has done nothing but good
you, with your smile on your face, as if it’s some godly milky way to your soul
you, with the shimmering in your eyes that are only reflections of dead stars still trying to outlive their life spans
you.
no, you and i are not destined to be together, no astrological match-making could make you give up your dark path
so i dare you to fly
fly into the night, with your thin words and cloudy intentions
fly where you have no ground, no roots to keep you firm
fly to the next galaxy and wrap someone else in your cloak
because i may not be but a human, a human that feels deeply, that hurts deeply, that loves deeply
and i am at home in this earthly place, where real actions have real consequences, where the dirt and gravel are as much a place to explore as the infinite universe
i am perfectly okay to sit on my roof and watch shooting stars from a distance
because i have all the worldly desires and loves right here in this place

remember.

okay, hold up
last time i remembered, there were two people in this crossfire
and last time i remembered, i ceased fire
so while you’re lighting your canons with your words, putting me on blast, trying to sink my ship like the emotional pirate you are, remember this…

i loved you.
i loved you deep enough to let us go because we needed to be better people for ourselves.
i loved you hard enough to try working out what ended up being out of our hands.
i loved you for all that you were, with the trust that we could be adults and not resort to disparage, insensitive rebounding, and immature facebook posts.
i loved you because i believed that we had enough mutual respect for each other to move forward with our lives in a way that gave the other person a sense of dignity.

but maybe you didn’t feel the same.
and for that, i can only blame myself for thinking you would.
so, love, go ahead, do what you need to do to be who you want to be.
load your guns, boo, and fire with your eyes closed, cuz when you open them, you’ll be the only one standing, fingers trembling, and no one to hold close.

questions.

it hurts to see your face sometimes because a part of me doesn’t believe i’ll be good to you.  with all the shit going on in my life, it’s hard to be confident that i’ll give you what you need.  what if my life leads me elsewhere?  what if i can’t be by your side?  do i fight to keep you, or do i love you enough to let you go?

moment.

how do we freeze this moment where i can see so clearly into your eyes, with the light of the moon behind us and the dawn of a new day before us.  this moment is so clear, the sky is a blanket of blues and purples, the cold wind softly grazing our bodies.  your face is familiar, contours and ridges like i once knew with the touch of my fingertips.  this time we are friends from our past, making senes of our present.  i don’t want to forget this moment.  and even though the future may not be ours, this moment is.  and the reality is, i miss you and i don’t know how to tell you because i don’t want this moment to end.  we’re where we are because we need to be here.  separate.  breathing.  close enough.  enough for me to want to reach for you, enough for me to know we can’t.  we can’t.  we can’t.

Meet me in LA

Don’t know how many times I’ve made this trip
Train ride to LA
Meet me there, see you there, will you be there
Don’t know how many times I’ve made this trip
How many times I’ve been let down
But I’m here now and I know you’ve had your share of journeys
Meet me in LA

mistake.

how do you know you’ve made a mistake how will you know if it was right will you know how will you know this maze of our journey has been too confusing and i want to know what you feel felt want to feel i feel your heart beating against my chest still will it die so i can stop the tears i can’t understand what the fuck happened and now we’re just resenting each other each other’s arms for now i will be in my own and try to tell myself i don’t love you anymore.

ramble.

i don’t want it
i didn’t ask for it
but for some reason i’m living through it
and i can’t see
through the things within me
i’m thinking over the roads i’ve crossed
and the paths i’ve followed
this journey between my mind and my heart
has left my legs tired
i breathe shallow breaths
from lungs filled with doubt
and hopes pulled by gravity
i can hear the music play
each sweetsounding key of the piano
each delicatestrum of the guitar
my soul is lifted by the cascades of beauty
but anchored by the crashingsounds of reality
my white powdered nose can smell the truth
of desperation and helplessness
as each pill courses its way through my bloodstream
pulsing
beating
faster
speeding up
to only stop
still
motionless
i don’t want it
i didn’t ask for it
but i’m trying to live through it.